To A New Beginning
by MyMadF
Summary: Rae has scars. Finn knows that. Rae sure knows that. But he's only ever heard about them in rushed words. This is the reaction of the first time he encountered them.
1. The Beginning

Finn:  
My hands are sweating as I knock on her door. I know her Mum and Karim have disappeared some place so there is no chance of us being caught, but that's not the problem.  
She went to see Tix today.  
I know she gets bad.  
I know she gets real bad.  
But I've never seen it, just heard about it in words rushed that led to quick changes of subject. Rae answers the door, eyes red but a light smile on her face as I grab her into an awkward hug. Strategically, I grab her arm to search for any fresh cuts whilst writing 'Okay?' length ways.

She replies with a nod, takes my hand and starts to walk me upstairs.  
It's too quiet, there are no jokes, no laughs, no flirtatious looks that we both give each other, it's not right.  
"Rae." I say as we get into her room, a harsh tone so she knows I'm serious. "Finn, I just want to forget everything.  
Just temporarily, okay?" Her voice crack as she sits on the edge of her bed and avoids eye contact with me whilst I hover at the door.  
"I don't want anything to happen between us simply because you want to forget everything. I want you to remember things." I sit beside her and rest my hand right beside hers.

"I'm sorry. I really am." Rae looks at me, her eyes glassy and beautiful and I kiss her - selfish I know.  
It must be the fact that she doesn't stop that causes me to continue. If she had kissed me and left my mouth tasting like sadness then I would have stopped, but she left my mouth feeling like the first time I hear a good song and attempt to sing the lyrics, giddy and confused.

We fumble as I lay her down and kiss down her neck line and back up to her lips continuously, until she stops me five minutes later.  
"I should probably, eurgh..." Rae leaves my side in a hurry and walks out of the room.

Rae:  
I slam the bathroom door behind me and whisper "FUCK!" to my reflection in the mirror before telling my heart to stop hammering in my chest.  
He had to see sometime, why not be now? My insides feel like they are going to concave with a little extra push and it will give me a reason to cut again.  
Slowly, I take off my top. My reflection makes me sick but I take a deep breath and hook my thumbs around the waist of my leggings.  
I shut my eyes and pull them down so I'm just left in my underwear.  
"Rae?" I hear Finn knock on the door and tell my eyes to not tear up, to stop stinging. Another deep breath. I open the door. He smiles at my face and smiles and smiles until his he gets to my legs, then it falters.

Finn:

Looking at her, I forget how to breathe.


	2. The Middle

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Rae:

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Finn:

We share the air between us and use it for heavy breathing instead of words. I should say something. I should brush it off and smile and make a joke, but what joke is there to make?  
If I tried, I wouldn't be able to anyway. She had seen the way my smile had faded, I had seen the way her eyes had dropped to the ground and her fists had balled.

Her eyes are watering and I can't do anything right now.  
I ball my fists and feel anger bubbling inside of me, "Rae."  
"Just don't. Just fucking don't." She's pushing past me, tears replicating rain fall and drowning my heart in something I haven't felt in a very long time that I have not ever been able to put a name on.

"Rae, we need to talk about this!" I follow her into her room where she's picking up my jacket and looking at it as if she's wondering what the hell it is doing here.  
"No, no we don't. If we talk about it, I become less normal, we become even less normal! You're the only person that doesn't question me on everything that happened then, why start now?"

The way she said it stung. The kind of 'stung' that hits you hard and says 'Hey, I'm fucking permanent and what are you going to do about it?".  
I run over what she says, taste it in every single possible way till it's raw on my tongue and in my heart and on my soul.  
"Rae! Just stop! Okay? Just stop! You know I'm no good with words, speaking is just something I haven't grasped."

Rae just stares at me then. Eyes mid tear and just shrugs.  
She shrugs.

Rae:

This feels like a bullet wound to my chest and a perfect excuse to cut.  
My insides have given and tumbled.  
He's still here, staring at me. Like I have the answer.  
What does he expect from a girl with scars covering her legs?  
"Finn, just go, please. I'm too tired." It's painful to look at him, so I don't. I look around him, at the ceiling, at the floor, into myself, into the dark thing consuming me.

"I'm not leaving Rae. This thing, this thing it gets sorted tonight. Scream, hit me, lock yourself away. I will find a way in and we will talk. I will find words, a'right?" Finn steps closer and I shake my head with such urgency that he stops in his tracks and gives me the exact face he expressed when in the closet at the sexy sleepover, confused and hurt. "I'm trying Rae. It's like you don't even want me here."

I open my mouth to protest but find no words. I don't know what I want. Maybe it's for all these scars to melt away and for me to be thinner and for me to be something different than this, but still have him. Be worthy of him. To not have a past at all.

Finn:

I take risky steps.  
I want to get so close to her that I feel all the emotion radiate off her when she tells me her story.  
Then I want to make her feel okay, the best she's ever felt since everything caused her to inflict all the weight of the pain on herself.  
Thankfully I have left her lost for words and I take two more steps towards her and end up about one and a half rulers width away.

The sadness is being lapped up in the air and the silence feels like it's suffocating me. I don't like silence but I prefer it to words.  
Her eyes give me a pain in my pores that I know can only be fixed by the laughter from her lips and I stop in front of her.

"Finn, please don't. I'm half fucking naked, teary and embarrassed."  
She knows my go to. She knows. So I decide to shock her.  
I take my index and run it from her knee up to the bottom of her underwear and feel every single wave of anger leave me and be replaced by sadness.


	3. The Interval

**(Next chapter is the last chapter, sorry xo)**

**Rae: **

I feel it with a shiver down my spine.  
Finn bites his bottom lips and closes his eyes like he can't bear to look at me.  
Look up at me you sweet sweet dickhead, look up at me.  
"Why Rae?" His voice cracks and he stops running his fingers along my scars.  
"I dunno, okay? It was the past, let it die." I push his hand away and step back, falling onto my bed.

"Some feel fresher than the past." Finn kneels down, pain in his eyes so sharp, it cuts through me. His hands find their way to mine and hold them so delicately, it makes me want to cry. "Talk to me."  
But I can't.  
I can't tell him.  
If I do it becomes real and my heart shatters even more and he won't know what to say or do.  
I miss her.  
He won't understand that.

**Finn:**

She couldn't know how scared I was, she couldn't see it.  
Every time I thought about it, something inside me would consume my heart.  
Rae, my Rae, done this to herself. Yes, a time before she knew me but fuck, I wasn't there to save her.  
I'm such a dickhead, such a fuckin' knobhead.

"Stop it," she says, escaping the hold I have on her hands and placing them beside her. "I know you're no good with words, but your eyes give you away all the time. I'm sorry Finn, I always do this. I always fuck things up."  
Then she laugh. It's not a laugh that makes my skin tingle, but it's a laugh that makes me alert.  
She keeps laughing and laughing and laughing and my ears are filled with such a wrong sound but I can't tell her to stop, I have no right, I have ever even saved her.

Then I see it.  
Tears fall over the rim of her eyes whilst her smile drops to something so unfortunate, so lost, that it takes all my will power not to let it cripple me.  
"Rae, Rae," I say her name with coolness and get up to sit beside her. My arms instinctively find my way around her shoulders and I lean her into me, I want to be her get away. Her defence against the world.

"She's dead, Finn."  
She says it so angrily, that I feel it shatter my bones.

**Rae:**

It's real.  
It's running through my veins.  
Her face her face her face her face.  
I'm so sorry Tix.  
I'm so stupid and sorry and I wish I had saved you like you saved me.  
Please come back. Please come back.

**Finn: **

I tell her what I'm most afraid of.  
Tell her it so quickly I'm amazed she can even hear it.  
"We need to talk, Rae."


	4. The End

Finn:

We are laughing.  
I haven't kissed her for an hour and its taking every ounce of me not to, but I know she needs it. I know she just needs to laugh.  
It's filling my pores and my skin feels so vibrant, so alive.  
I want to dance with her, I want to take her off her feet and dance with her until we are both breathless and nothing else in the world matters.

Her scars are a little more obvious to me now, the faint ones show just a little bit more now that I am aware.  
I want to kiss them.  
She won't let me.  
"You don't have to kiss me just because you feel sorry for me." She said when I suggested the idea.  
"I'm not kissing you because I feel sorry for you. I'm kissing you because I want to." I replied, watching her eyes as I done so.

She's touching my right hand now, rubbing her thumb over my over my index finger knuckle.  
We are sharing breaths and silence and it feels so peaceful that I'm surprised my heart hasn't disturbed the air.  
"I'm sorry." She sighs it out whilst resting her head on my right shoulder. "I just get so fucked up sometimes."  
I touch her face and feel warmth spread across it as she smiles.

Rae:

My skin is crawling with something.  
It wants to feel his rest against mine in a sweaty, sticky slumber because it knows that I now have nothing to hide.  
He's seen it all.  
Every last scar that bled and ruined my bedroom floor and he hasn't run.  
I can still feel his warmth against my cheek as he strokes my hair.

He smells so sweet, like an untouched album CD.  
"Why are you sniffing me, Rae?" His smile cracks, his laugh lines paint themselves around his mouth and I just gush.  
No, not the between my legs gush but the heart-melt-can't-help-but-split-open-and-bleed-gush!  
I tap his nose and he taps mine back, our laughs reaching out from our throats and cracking like electricity in the air.

I feel him like an arrow in my heart.  
It's safer to keep a deep wound filled with whatever punctured it than to pull it out.  
"There's a certain type of bad I get and this is only a fraction of it. Okay?" He nods. There is nothing more I can say to him to warn him of how drastic it is.

Finn:

"I'm here Rae. I'm real. You can feel me. I'll never go."

(Thank you guys, for reading this :) This wasn't going to be too long. I'm going to write some more fanfiction based on my mad fat diary. Give me some topics and I'll write the best I can. Thank you - A/N)


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